My dearest
The realization that you will never come to be suddenly sunk
in to me today at the workshop with TLC (The Learning Connections – an arts
education corporate agency with its main focus on pre-schoolers. I worked part-time at after SOTA, before NLS).
I can only imagine how it would feel like to have the
intimacy of having you inside me, sharing my body with me. We could be having
telepathic communications and long conversations through the beating of our
hearts next to each other. That’s what I hear mothers have with their children
inside them.
I am so sorry I cannot make it possible for you to come into
existence because of my genes, I’ve always thought I will never want to be a
mother anyway so it does not really matter that I would never have kids. I
really believed it was no biggie. I had my niece and nephew (and all my
friends’ kids) to play with anyway. And the best thing is, they’d all return to
their parents eventually and I don’t even have to worry about being responsible
for another human being/soul. But I realized it could be my defense mechanism
talking. It was probably the best I can muster to cope with this repercussion
of the genetic defect.
People tell me how good I am with their children and I wish
I could prove to be good with you too.
I just want to let you know that even though you would never
be, my thoughts are with you and you are loved, so much that I will never ever
allow you to go through what your mommy would have to go through.
⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆⬆
(the above was written in February 2014)
NOW
I’m happy to declare God’s goodness and glorify Him with the most unique
life He has blessed me with. While the society in this world sees success as
being married and having kids, excelling in a career that allows for the
possession of a fast car plus a fancy condominium, I know that that’s not His
plan for me.
"A Twist in My Story" – Secondhand Serenade
So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you (GOD)
And I'm longing, for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired
My world just flipped, turned upside down
It turns around, say what's that sound
It's my heart beat, it's getting much louder
My heart beat, is stronger than ever
I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive
So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you (GOD)
And I'm longing, for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired
My world just flipped, turned upside down
It turns around, say what's that sound
It's my heart beat, it's getting much louder
My heart beat, is stronger than ever
I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive
