God replaced my Ps...

I’ve always thought this illness (my SCA) has taken away everything in my life, namely; my
- Passion
- Personality
- (Potential) Partner.

My Passion was theatre. It allowed me to express myself with my voice and body; the 2 elements that are now disintegrating everyday due to this horrific illness.

My Personality was that of an extrovert. I liked making nonsensical (but hopefully funny) remarks, joke and “flutter” around during social settings. I enjoyed socialising very much but now I feel repressed, because I’m unable to do what I used to like.

A (Potential) Partner was definitely on my list ‘to get’. Well, I used to be quite the hopeless romantic and it was pretty much impossible for me understand “celibacy” or end up without (the) one.

BUT

God, being God and super great (read: gracious) replaced ALL of the above in my life by knocking His sense into me... His invaluable P!

Yup, His PERSPECTIVE!

My previous Ps, now with this renewed PERSPECTIVE He has granted me have shifted so dramatically:

Firstly my Passion should be for Him and His Plans & Purposes. So, if its not theatre now (or anymore), it must be something else. I’d just have to wait for His leading to find it!

Secondly He is my creator so He definitely knows (& values) my limited Personality. It could now be time to develop the introvert in me - then I’d be perfect! For Him.

Lastly my desire for a Partner has been eliminated & I’m amazed and super thankful for this miracle. Actually it’s very hard to imagine having to manage another relationship in my life given this condition of mine.

While enjoying these new Perspectives I’ve been granted, I’m also delighting in another P of His everyday.. His Power! Yes, I experience this at every moment whenever I ask for help every time I need to overcome any inconvenience this illness brings me. :)

End of 2018

The year has ended. 

But it doesn’t end there for many of us. Things keep rolling on (and on, and on...) especially His blessings!

Many of us must be feeling so blessed at the end of the year (like me!) Idea: 

My word for 2018 is LOVED. Here’s just a reminder for everyone (myself included) to keep the blessings flowing on, remember we’re blessed to be a blessing! 

Things I'm too embarrassed to admit I like

1. Scrubs
2. Harry Potter
3. Starbucks Toffeenut Latte

Lets get to the point. So. These are scrubs. 

They’re what medical staff wear in surgery. People have fetishes for uniforms etc but mine’s simple scrubs okokok? 

The irresistible mystery of those flickering eyelashes plus extremely enchanting eyes behind the surgical mask (often worn together with a scrub) creates such magic for me.. the simple V neckline reveals a glimpse of often well-defined collarbones which are oh-so-charming. Hee hee so me liketh scrubs (very much)!

BUT. 

One’s supposed to be unflinchingly serious in that medical context. Who has time for frivolous fetishes or damning desires?? So cannot like. 

Ok. Harry Potter. He’s meant for younger folks. JK Rowling must be targeting the lower age group so I am too old. It’s very unbecoming of me to believe in magic too. 

Starbucks is just too expensive and commercialised. As a self proclaimed coffee connoisseur, thou shall not enjoy any form of Starbucks. 

But I only like Toffeenut Latte that’s only available near Christmas so that’s ok right?  

Actually, many might already know that Christmas is not just about Toffeenut Lattes, pretty Christmas trees/lights at Orchard Road or even thoughtful and/or expensive gifts. 

IT IS THE DAY JESUS WAS BORN. 

That’s the greatest gift ever. As believers, we Christians must always remember why we celebrate Christmas (we can rouse /  appeal to others to celebrate with us BUT let us all not be overcome with the festivities or hype of the occasion that we forget the true meaning of Christmas!

What good is there in this?

“this” refers to my SCA (Spinocerebellar Ataxia). I’d never ever wish this horrible disease on anyone (not even my worst enemy – actually I don’t have one) because its symptoms are really too terrible to deal with every day, at every moment, every second. 

ANYWAY. What good is there in this?

Right now, I can think of 3 things:

1)    CLOSER TO GOD

2)    CLOSER TO FAMILY

3)    CLOSER TO FRIENDS

They happen to be all Cs’!!! Recently I’ve also been thinking about the essential Cs’ in my life (quite far from the typical Singaporean’s Cash, Car, Condominium, Credit Card, Country Club – think maybe it should be a Career and/or Clever Children nowadays hahaha).

So, my five Cs’ are

Christ

Coffee

Curry/Chili

Chocolate

Connections (to people)

As I was saying (before I rudely interrupted myself), I’m definitely

1)    CLOSER TO GOD

There are a lot more pockets of free time where I can seek God, find Him & talk with Him. It’s certainly easier for me to fit God into an emptier schedule; daily bible reading combined with a regular feeding of Christian literature becomes very unrushed, ‘second-nature’ and comfortable. Not to mention it is often very enlightening, an encouragement to the heart and soul. This two-way relationship where He speaks to me as I listen & talk back 
is certainly being strengthened day after day.

2)    CLOSER TO FAMILY

I have two older brothers; my eldest brother is also struck with this disease and is currently living in a nursing home, my second brother is married to a very virtuous, respectable & nice woman I’d affectionately term as my SIL (sister-in-law). Oh, my father passed away when I was 10, my mother brought 3 of us up single-handedly.

I thought I was already very close to my Mom, at least that was years ago… 2009 to be exact, when we went on a family trip to Hong Kong (was together with my second brother & a pregnant SIL). See Mom & I:

Then my niece was born. Things changed. At least, that was how everything appeared to me. I found myself trying so hard to please Mom & earn her approval or gain some acknowledgement/recognition…

But as nothing seemed to be working, I began to accept that it would probably be impossible for me to regain my previous favoured position as her ONLY daughter and I backed away.

Fast forward years later, now with my SCA. Niece is much older (more matured, less affectionate).

I think Mom and I are still figuring out our roles (mother-daughter, caretaker-patient, fellow believers) and our daily interactions with each other on a 24-hour basis but I must say that we are currently building a well-weathered relationship through this ‘storm’.

3)    CLOSER TO FRIENDS

I believe it’s the same idea as having more time now to focus on building closer relationships. With this SCA, it becomes so much easier for me to discern who has been/will be a waste of my efforts and energy at strengthening our bonds and who will certainly stick around and be TOTALLY WORTH IT.

You’d know who you are if I’ve been “a bother” or I’ve bothered to be in your life (texting you quite a bit, be it serious conversations or random riddles/jokes/pun-ny stuff that classify as rubbish, sharing my favourite food, celebrating your birthdays, buying you gifts, inviting you over to my humble abode…)

YEAH YOU ARE IN MY INNER CIRCLE :) 

The 'Tyranny of Normality'

 (This fancy title was inspired by a song title of a ROCK BAND – Papa Roach. Yup so if you think ROCK is all and only about loud music & meaningless repetitive lyrics, think again!)

‘NORMAL’ was something I kind of despised when I was younger (& undiagnosed). I’d always remember this conversation I had with my student(s):

A student(s): Miss Lee, you are so… hmm… (uncertain) strange! 

Me: THANKS FOR SAYING THAT! I hate being just ‘normal’. (big grin)

Well I certainly enjoyed being different! It was not just my dress sense I suppose, think it was everything else I could manage then – even my fingernails & toe nails! I remember doing a lot of my own prettifying (read: Sally Hansen ‘Salon Effects’). See some of my DIYs below:

So in terms of my dressing, I was also into wearing neon colours, bold prints, asymmetrical designs featuring cut-outs and extra layers with “cool’ looking folds etc. Yes, I was vain. VERY VAIN.

Therefore, in conjunction with that, my attitude and behaviour in/outside of the classroom as a teacher must duly be LOUD & PROUD. Ha ha~

But now, I work SO VERY hard everyday to be ‘normal’.

I’d like to appear as normal as possible despite my ataxia. However, it’s not easy for me not to draw attention to myself with my wheelchair, incomprehensible speech, incontrollably loud choking (on top of my retarded eating) and occasional breathlessness.. oh there are other countless symptoms regarding this ataxia but I shall not elaborate on them yet. I might do so later…